I have been saving this piece because it is vulnerable. Fear of other people’s comments has held me back but I hope that I can encourage others to always explore their bodies. As I discussed recently in my Eliminating Shame post, the first part of reducing any stigma and eliminating shame is to talk about masturbating and sex! When we talk about it we become more comfortable and can then start building a sex life that we want – whether none, alone, or partnered. For me discussing masturbation with my husband was a good start. Isabelle Lauren talks about how once the shame was removed they started sharing about masturbation in their marriage. Pleasure Connoisseurs provides a great reminder to love yourself – and loving your body and masturbation is part and parcel.
I never could have guessed the impact on my perception of my body that sitting down naked with a mirror would have. As suggested in Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, I sat down with a mirror between my legs and took a good look. I spread my full outer labia and examined how my vulva looked both spread and not spread. I examine how my mons was plump and tried not to pass judgement on it. I took my time focusing on my inner labia and clitoris. It really was a chance to connect with body on a level I wouldn’t have otherwise.
After this self-examination of sorts I realized that the mirror at the end of my bed could provide a lot of viewing pleasure for myself and for my hubby. I started making a point of masturbating in front of it as well as pointing my partner’s attention to it when our reflections caught my eye. He has always been visual and most times a mirror is around I notice him checking us out as we have sex. Our old bedroom had a mirrored cabinet that
I would catch him watching me ride him in. In those moments I chose to just not acknowledge it. It was a positive feeling for me to point his attention to it – almost as if I were finally comfortable with it. Almost as if I had realized that it really was hot and I was acknowledging so.
As I became more comfortable with viewing my body and leaving judgement at the door I found that I was more aware of how I masturbated. I was more aware of how toys felt held on my clit, cozied between my labia, and ran along my vaginal opening. One evening I had used multiple toys and was orgasm drunk when I ran my Tango along my vaginal opening. I decided to dip the tip in to gather some more of the natural lubricant my body was producing and as I angled the tip a bit upwards toward my g-spot there was a gush. Although it was not the talked about mind blowing squirting orgasm I was fascinated by my bodies reaction and made a mental note to explore it at another time. Having my g-spot to close to my vaginal opening scored a big point that night!
I continue to be more mindful while masturbating and take my time to explore my body. I have purchased a labia spreader that I will review in the near future. I am excited to have hands free access to my vulva to explore further. I am more relaxed with my partner looking closely at my vulva as well as asking him to lend a hand to give me more access. Recently I asked him to “hold me open” while I used a vibe on my clit. I instructed him with some ways that I would like to be touched and it was amazing.
The above experiences have been an amazing addition to my body positive journey. Although not planned – having these experiences has increased my ability to leave judgement at the door while I respect and enjoy my body for what it is. I am more comfortable with my partner interacting with my body and find I am more able to relax while doing so.