Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski is a popular read among sex educators, bloggers, and the sex positive community. It tackles anatomy and how we are all made of the same parts. It introduces the dual control model – we each have an accelerator and a break and each responds differently for each person. It discusses the importance of context. It is such a great book that writing a review that captures everything is impossible.

The anatomy discussion in Come as You Are explains that all genitals are made up of the same parts – just arranged differently. This was not new information to me but was presented in a way that would be easy to digest as a new concept. It is also reassuring to those that may have shame of their genitals being different.

The dual-control model was an eye opener for me. It introduces that we each have an accelerator and breaks influenced by a variety of things. Understanding how your own brakes and accelerator work will help you start improving your sex life – whatever that looks like for you. I related to reading about someone whose accelerator kicked into overdrive with stress.  My stress response is often craving sex which I felt was unhealthy. My brakes are sensitive however which at times was very confusing for me.

The importance of context is discussed in a way that helps the reader identify how to proceed in different situations. The discussion of context helped me understand why the same stimulus can affect me differently in different situations. It helps readers understand that sometimes our brakes and accelerator are affected by different situations causing them to react differently. Learning to gauge context to help control my brakes and accelerator is something I continue to work on – I sometimes forget to consider context when a sexual encounter doesn’t quite go as hoped.

Emily also provides great resources that assist in learning about yourself. She makes you feel normal. She describes something that can connect with a piece of everyone. I am so glad I took my time reading this book and I look forward to reading it again.

Buy It or Borrow It?

This book is definitely a buy because you will reread it and have new ah-ha moments each time. Emily introduces and explains each idea in a way that allows the reader to examine their own body, thoughts, and behaviours as related to the topic. I strongly feel that each time you read this book you will learn something new and have another tool to help create the sex life you desire.

The case studies presented allow the reader to find parts of themselves presented and offer realistic applicable techniques to deal with the struggles presented. Understanding that we are all different and that is normal is one of the main messages found throughout.

I found this book easy to comprehend but information dense which for those who love learning will be captivated by. I found it easy to dive in for 1 more page and 10 pages later finally taking a break. At the end of each chapter the tl:dr (to long didn’t read) Emily summarizes the main points of the chapter. For me this means when wanting to return to a topic I can take a read through the tl:dr and if I am wanting more I can go back and reread the whole portion. I am going to reread this book because I can’t say enough good things about it and I think you should give it a read too.

Head over to Emily’s website to learn more about her work and where she is speaking next! Her books can be purchased at book stores all over but can also be picked up at some sex shops. Adding this book to any sex ed library is a must!

 

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