This is the second post of my body positive journey series! I have been increasingly trying to become more positive towards my body and self in general. As a bigger person it is easy to get wrapped up in feeling shame about my body. I am my own worst critic.
Taking numbers out of the equation has morphed in my mind as the months have passed since starting my Body Positive Journey back in September. I approached the series with excitement but knowing it would be a lot of tough work. I had hoped to write this follow up post sooner but wow it has been hard! I make some great steps forward and then a few backwards. Being patient, kind, and supportive to myself is difficult but is perhaps the most important thing for me to do.
Taking numbers out of the equation started with a physical focus. I was trying to remove the value from numbers such as my weight, ideal body weight, calorie counts, and clothing size. I committed to purchasing some clothes I loved regardless of the size but first try I bolted from the mall in tears. I started going to the gym and enjoyed it. I tried to be more mindful of what I was eating. I tried to develop healthy habits without the focus on my size but on feeling good. There was always a little voice in the back of my head tying these healthy habits into the numbers. Combatting that voice is a daily challenge. Some days I can refocus my attention and all is well. Other days I obsess over obsessing. I get so wrapped up in fighting that voice that I question why I can’t change my focus. Why do I have such a hard time with this?
Taking the numbers out of the equation also took a turn to be about my blog and hobbies. I needed to stop basing my self-worth on the numbers of blog visitors and bullet journal spreads completed. I needed to pace myself and be patient, kind, and supportive. My blog is a safe space for me and enjoying my writing is what is important to me. I am starting to relax a bit more when my view count is low for a post and trying to celebrate having consistently just under 200 views a month. I want to increase that but I also want to celebrate that roughly 6 of my pieces are read each day. That is exciting even if a small accomplishment.
Learning to be more patient, kind, and supportive to myself won’t only improve my relationship with myself but also reduce my anxiety levels and the spoons I spend struggling. It will improve my relationship with my husband and friends and it will also give me more energy to spend on my blog and activities I love. Letting go of the numbers is great but I can’t do so without being more patient, kind, and supportive to myself! I need to remind myself when I am overthinking to relax and focus on how I feel. When I have tough days I am learning to go to bed early to start the next day fresh.
I have managed to purchase some new clothes for work that fit better but I still need to add to these pieces which ties in to the next post for the series – Underneath it all. Proper fitting under things are sexy on a bigger body. Fit is important but it is also more of a struggle for us bigger people. My next post in this series will explore having a proper lingerie fitting. This absolutely terrifies me. I am trying to research some Toronto area stores to have a proper fitting and purchase a piece or two. If anyone reading has a favourite place let me know, suggestions are very welcome!
This was a vulnerable piece for me to write. I had approached the series with excitement to move into a healthier mindset. I didn’t anticipate such emotional struggles. Instead of calories I am trying to focus on eating healthy foods but still allowing treats. I am starting to pay attention to enjoying the experience of baking and cooking again. Instead of size I am trying to focus on how I feel in a piece of clothing. I am trying to enjoy every piece I post on my blog. This is a different mindset for me but so very worth it.